Until I Learned My Lessons in Love Well
Love may be the most awesome experience in life yet it may took you by surprise in many things.
Once upon a time I was younger, full of love and just starting to pull myself out of my shell. And yes, I found love and I was loved. The relationship was good but tight... too tight that it burns and bores me in time. We broke up and I moved on easily. I tried to pull myself out a little bit more and searched for another love...a different kind this time. And yes, I found someone but it wasn’t for love. It was for adventure...how is it like to be with someone like this -cool, confident, cocky with a bad boy image.
From the start of the relationship, my friends were wary and warned me of what kind of guy he is, but the more they tell, the more I wonder...I just got to find out by myself. It was indeed stupid of me to ignore their warnings and follow my own reason. And so, It took me by surprised. My dumb heart just got dumber. I never expected to be hurt...hurt my ego and my dignity. This is the first time. It stings... but isn't this what I've been searching for? and this is what I got. I used to think that men were all like those in the fairy tales -sincere, romantic, respectful...but this one is not. I felt insulted. It destroyed me emotionally that it weakens me. But I concealed it all. I pretend that it's all good. I was ashamed to admit that he didn't even go after me or ask for my explanation why I broke up with him. I guess that's what he really wanted me to do after all. So I consoled myself with the thought that he took nothing from me, so I mustn't regret on anything, and maybe that's why it's okay with him to let go of us cause I can't give him what he really wanted from me anyway. I heard from someone that he's telling his friends that I am boring. I even confronted him about that but he denied it! But I guess it's true...I bore him for staying reserved. But still it hurts, ..it stings because I was starting to like him when I broke up with him. But it's good that it ended soon cause there were so much doubts in my mind already, and it's not worthy to confront him about those because I knew he wasn't serious about us at all. I also felt how he changed his treatment on me -he always have other appointments, rarely replies on my texts, always had alibi not to fetch me and I even got a tip from a friend who saw him dating another girl. I felt those signs and it pushed me away from him. So instead of getting insane, it was a rightful move to let go of a relationship that was never attached to us anyway... a relationship that without a doubt, had let go of me for quite some time already.
I knew what I did was right, but what I did next was wrong! I just got dumbest when I thought that I could cover up my feelings by having someone that I don’t really like to enter my life to cover up what I really felt. I thought I could make that terrible feelings go away by the time I start to date someone new. It was a stupid move... but yes, eventually my pain from my past relationship went away. But this new relationship that I got into is far far worse. Could this be a karma to me? Karma cause on the first place, I didn't want this relationship to be real. On the first place, it was meant only to humor me just until I can recover. On the first place, I thought about ending it as soon as I'm okay! And indeed it was a karma! It destroyed me. My plan didn't work out the way I hope it would be. He hold on to me, gaslighted me, scaring me that he would do something really stupid everytime I break up with him. I didn't got out of it easily, not until 5 wasteful years. And I learned my lessons in love out from that gaslighter man who manipulated my emotions and mind for 5 years. But out from that toxic relationship, I got out just fine and smiling. Losing that relationship was a relief...there was no pain at all! Slowly by slowly it feels like being myself again... and gaining back my self-confident and self-respect.
I got tons of learnt lessons in love out from my experiences -negative and positive- and it wasn’t so bad to come out of my shell after all. No regrets! No "what if"! Just "moved on". And it wasn’t difficult for me to love again cause this time I know the right signs and I knew that this time Love is right because there were no hesitations, no doubts, no conditions and it's all good for real. I am married now to my best friend of 13 years and we are imperfect yet happily married.
-hugebelle
next blog about "Your Life Choices"
Once upon a time I was younger, full of love and just starting to pull myself out of my shell. And yes, I found love and I was loved. The relationship was good but tight... too tight that it burns and bores me in time. We broke up and I moved on easily. I tried to pull myself out a little bit more and searched for another love...a different kind this time. And yes, I found someone but it wasn’t for love. It was for adventure...how is it like to be with someone like this -cool, confident, cocky with a bad boy image.From the start of the relationship, my friends were wary and warned me of what kind of guy he is, but the more they tell, the more I wonder...I just got to find out by myself. It was indeed stupid of me to ignore their warnings and follow my own reason. And so, It took me by surprised. My dumb heart just got dumber. I never expected to be hurt...hurt my ego and my dignity. This is the first time. It stings... but isn't this what I've been searching for? and this is what I got. I used to think that men were all like those in the fairy tales -sincere, romantic, respectful...but this one is not. I felt insulted. It destroyed me emotionally that it weakens me. But I concealed it all. I pretend that it's all good. I was ashamed to admit that he didn't even go after me or ask for my explanation why I broke up with him. I guess that's what he really wanted me to do after all. So I consoled myself with the thought that he took nothing from me, so I mustn't regret on anything, and maybe that's why it's okay with him to let go of us cause I can't give him what he really wanted from me anyway. I heard from someone that he's telling his friends that I am boring. I even confronted him about that but he denied it! But I guess it's true...I bore him for staying reserved. But still it hurts, ..it stings because I was starting to like him when I broke up with him. But it's good that it ended soon cause there were so much doubts in my mind already, and it's not worthy to confront him about those because I knew he wasn't serious about us at all. I also felt how he changed his treatment on me -he always have other appointments, rarely replies on my texts, always had alibi not to fetch me and I even got a tip from a friend who saw him dating another girl. I felt those signs and it pushed me away from him. So instead of getting insane, it was a rightful move to let go of a relationship that was never attached to us anyway... a relationship that without a doubt, had let go of me for quite some time already.
I knew what I did was right, but what I did next was wrong! I just got dumbest when I thought that I could cover up my feelings by having someone that I don’t really like to enter my life to cover up what I really felt. I thought I could make that terrible feelings go away by the time I start to date someone new. It was a stupid move... but yes, eventually my pain from my past relationship went away. But this new relationship that I got into is far far worse. Could this be a karma to me? Karma cause on the first place, I didn't want this relationship to be real. On the first place, it was meant only to humor me just until I can recover. On the first place, I thought about ending it as soon as I'm okay! And indeed it was a karma! It destroyed me. My plan didn't work out the way I hope it would be. He hold on to me, gaslighted me, scaring me that he would do something really stupid everytime I break up with him. I didn't got out of it easily, not until 5 wasteful years. And I learned my lessons in love out from that gaslighter man who manipulated my emotions and mind for 5 years. But out from that toxic relationship, I got out just fine and smiling. Losing that relationship was a relief...there was no pain at all! Slowly by slowly it feels like being myself again... and gaining back my self-confident and self-respect.I got tons of learnt lessons in love out from my experiences -negative and positive- and it wasn’t so bad to come out of my shell after all. No regrets! No "what if"! Just "moved on". And it wasn’t difficult for me to love again cause this time I know the right signs and I knew that this time Love is right because there were no hesitations, no doubts, no conditions and it's all good for real. I am married now to my best friend of 13 years and we are imperfect yet happily married.-hugebelle
next blog about "Your Life Choices"
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